A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
