I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
