Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
What drink are we having for lunch?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
