Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
