so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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