dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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