I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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