bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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