I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
