I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
