When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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