If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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