I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
