Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
