Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
