should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
