remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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