thus making me awesome and them whores
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
