I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
