i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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