I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
