My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
