Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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