Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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