Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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