i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
