She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
