Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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