Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
