Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
