I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
