i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
