Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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