they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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