Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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