so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
