The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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