I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
