so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
