i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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