I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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