sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize