Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
