You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
