Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
