He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
