Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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