When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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