Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
