i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
