Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
